Trying to deny you, but it’s too late.
It’s late enough that you might be sleeping.
Well, I’m awake hoping you dreamin’ me.
I know that it’s wrong, shouldn’t let it carry on…
I’m just not that strong…
~Kanute
I’ve gotten a lot more sleep than normal the past two days. I still have bad dreams, though. I really wonder what sparks them. What is so strong in our sub-conscience that comes out in our dreams? I remember having a dream about an old friend of mine. She wasn’t happy to see me, but I was happy to run into her. I had a lot to tell her, a lot to apologize for, a lot of making up to do. Then the dream ended, or rather shifted to another problem I’ve been facing…
There’s this one night I can’t stop thinking about. It drives me insane. I just want to let it go, erase it from my memory. I don’t want to say I regret it, but I’m not happy with the way things are after-the-fact. They feel so different. I feel like I have to try really really hard. I almost feel like I’m competing against others for the attention, and it should be the other way around. I try to keep myself busy, distracted, but it only works temporarily. If I’m alone, I find myself thinking about the situation even more and it saddens me a lot. It drives me to think things and do things I shouldn’t. It’s creating a problem. I think it’s because of my surroundings. Two of my best friends are in wonderful relationships, and I have to be around that every day, or at least every time I’m around them. I don’t mind it, really. It’s not like they’re all over each other when I’m around… But it’s still the fact that they have someone to hold, some shoulder to cry on, someone to keep them happy… Someone to go home to every night, even. I guess I am jealous in that aspect. When I finally find something that makes me happy, I can’t have it, and when I do get a chance to have it, it’s only for a little while and then it just disappears. And then things are different. Perhaps I’m trying to hard to look for that special someone, or to keep myself happy. But when I’m surrounded by what I am, it’s hard not to try. It’s hard not to want what they have. As If I’m not already emotionally fucked in the head… I guess I just want to know what it feels like to be in love.
I woke up and wished that I was dead. Felt an aching in my head.
I lay motionless in bed. I thought of you and where you’d gone…
Let the world spin madly on…
~The Weepies
