It seems like it’s all about the quirky, out there, “I have something deep to say about life with text on a picture,” type of posts and reblogging it these days.
Well, I don’t give a fuck. I haven’t been on here in over a year, and that has a lot to say about me. I’ve grown up. I’ve changed. Though, I still like to vent on here.
Which brings me to my next point:
A lot of people lately have been saying that I’m very defensive. I don’t understand how just stating my opinion and CLARIFYING myself can make me seem defensive. Okay, so I don’t completely agree with what you have to say about me or my actions and I have something to say about it, and that makes me a defensive person? Sure. I guess our definitions of “defensive” are different. (That seemed like a lot of “d’s” in one sentence.)
I guess I just feel really misunderstood. It has a lot to do with my confidence level and how self-conscious I am of myself. I always feel like I have to justify myself to everyone that has something to say. I need to clarify my feelings so they don’t get misinterpreted. When people talk, they always pad the story, and I want to make sure that whatever has to do with me is from me DIRECTLY and that my feelings are known. Perhaps that turns the situation really serious, but I don’t seem to mind. Only other people do.
I also wish that instead of me always being told that I need to chill out or brush it off other people should to. It should be a compromise. Why should I have to change the way I’ve always been? I’m very sensitive, especially when it comes to the people closest to me. I’m very opinionated, I feel like I have to be the one to know something and if I don’t then I give suggestions on how to find the answer. I don’t know what it stems from, but that’s the way I’ve always been. I’m incredibly open and I’m not afraid to show my true colors to people. Why should I make them have to EARN it? If they don’t like the way I am when they first meet me, then they have no business being in my life. The people that are in my life who KNOW how I am, should understand that it’s just the way I am. I should’ve have to change just to make everyone else happy.
I’m okay with only having two close friends, or even none. I can find ways to fill my time. I don’t want to lose the people I’m closest with, though. Right now, I know I need them. But if we keep butting heads on certain levels of communication, then there’s a problem in my eyes. If only there was a way to compromise and just talk things out. Handle every little dark corner there is to our personalities so we can REALLY understand each other. If only that could actually happen.
I’m just really frustrated right now, I guess. I’m not used to being completely alone yet. I just want to strip myself down and let everything go for just a brief period of my time and hope the world will stop spinning during that. If only, if only.
