Maybe I shouldn’t try so hard to shut them out all of the time.
But this one kind of brought a smile to my face, in a weird way. I asked my boyfriend at the time, (Okay, so I’ve only had one boyfriend, but I hate referring to him as my “ex.” To me, it makes him sound like a terrible person. I never really liked that word…) I asked him what’s the one thing he always wanted as a child, but never got. His answer: This Terminator molding machine, I can’t remember the full name. So the next day, I happened to find it on eBay and it was ending the next day. I had to get it. I saved it, for a few months, hoping I could give it to him for his birthday. Unfortunately, we broke up before then, but I still gave it to him the day I left. I remember him saying it was one of the most thoughtful things anyone has ever done for him. It hurt, because at the time we were both experiencing the pain of breaking up, but I was happy that it made him happy. When we became friends again, we played with it together and it was a really fun time. I was surprised it still worked…
Having this memory drove me to remember a lot of different memories that I’ve had where there were moments that I did something for someone and it eventually ended up in a loss of friendship or potential relationship, or whatever.
This was the easiest way to share the fact that I go above and beyond for people that I care about, even if it’s in the smallest way. Sometimes, I feel it goes unnoticed, not that it matters. But I often wonder if people realized the things I would do for them, without asking for anything in return, if people would actually stick around. If people would genuinely care about me as much as I do them.
I was told that the fact I open up so easily, the fact I have such a big heart, the fact that I care as much as I do, and produce as much emotion as I do is what makes me so “awesome.” I find that hard to believe because I don’t think I’ve been able to hold on to someone in my life, and I’m not just talking about romantically, for longer than seven months.
A guess a girl can only wish so much until the wish becomes void of meaning.
