It’s the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you.
It’s the wrong time for somebody new.
It’s a small crime, and I got no excuse.
But is that alright with you?
I can’t sleep. It’s my dreams again, or maybe they’d be classified as nightmares. It’s interesting how I hate sleeping because it’s the only time I can’t control what I think about, so everything flourishes in picture form right across my closed eyelids. I hate sleeping because it reminds me of how much pain I’m really feeling. How much I don’t want to admit that I’m hurting that much. During the day, I’m pretty okay. I feel really good. Then I fall asleep, and I cry out loud, but I can’t force my eyes open. I want to know how this dream [nightmare] will end, because I think maybe then I’ll get over it. Instead of getting over it, I wake up angry, upset, even more hurt, and then everything repeats itself. During the day, I’m happy, okay, and at peace, and then I sleep. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m thinking about how you care half as much for me…
So… About those dreams [nightmares]… One that happened a few nights ago actually scared me with how real it felt. It was really eerie. In the dream was a guy that just recently told me nothing is ever going to happen between us. Ever. There is nothing I can do to prove to him the type of girl I am, there’s nothing I could do to change his mind no matter how much I tried. It was him and a girl that we hung out with a lot. A coworker of ours. His “wing man” and she called herself. I’m jealous of the friendship they have, and I can admit that. Perhaps they have something more than a friendship and they’re just way better at covering it up than I ever was… But that’s not the point. The point is the dream. So it was the two of them, and myself, in a room. They were talking, maybe I was, too, I don’t really remember. Soon after the conversation began, I realized I was standing next to the bed and the both of them were under the covers, naked, cuddling. I got incredibly angry. Disgusted, none the less, that they thought this was acceptable to do in front of me after everything had just happened between the guy at me. He insisted nothing was going on, and I had to remind him that they were cuddling… Naked. He didn’t have much to say after that…
And then I woke up.
On to the dream that just happened, inspiring this post. Tonight, I took my father and my sister to dinner, because I work at Outback so we get 50% off. It’s pretty awesome. Long story short, the guy I mentioned above spent a lot of his time while we were eating sitting down at our booth and talking to my dad. I told him many many times that my dad would love him, given how much they have in common, and I was proved right. He came over multiple times and sat down and listened to my dad talk about whatever he was talking about, and for once, my dad didn’t have anything bad to say about a friend that I have (or lack there of, it’s kind of a gray area to me…). So anyway, in the dream, the girl I mentioned above some how threw it into a conversation that the guy mentioned above said my dad was annoying, talks a lot, and it’s no longer a mystery where I get it from. I was outraged. The minute he stepped into work, I pulled him into the back away from customers, slapped him across the face, yelled at him, cried, was incredibly hurt. He just stood there. Took it all in. I told him that it didn’t matter how miniscule the insult, you don’t talk about my family in any way negatively. I told him he could call me whatever he wanted: annoying, overly sensitive, crazy, psychotic, whatever… Because I’ve heard it all before, but the minute someone talks about my family it crosses the line. I told him that if he didn’t want a friendship he should’ve just told me, because he’s been making it pretty obvious so far, but this was the straw on the camel’s back.
Ignoring me the morning after isn’t enough.
I swear I’m gonna cry, I’m sick of trying to be tough.
In a different variation of the dream, he tried to complain that he never said any of that stuff and I was over reacting, and because of that he was tired of me, blah blah blah. I cut him off saying, “If it’s not true, then perhaps you should go tell you’re little “bestie” over there to quit running her mouth to me of shit that supposedly never comes out of your mouth!” or something smart ass like that. It sounded better in the dream. It wasn’t fair to be mad at me, and not be mad at her. In my dream, I felt after everything I’ve been through as far as my emotions, I hashed out because I had to. I had never done anything bold like that before. I proceeded to tell him what he said was unforgivable. You never bring family into it, no matter the situation. I screamed “Fuck you!” and walked away with tears burning down my cheek (in the dream, and in real life).
Lately, I just don’t know how to control my emotions. I think I do pretty damn okay in person. I’ve put on this front since I was little, to protect myself, but it’s wearing me down. My dreams are getting worse. I can’t just write about every dream I have concerning him, that’s a little ridiculous. I just don’t know how to get rid of it. I don’t know how I can go into work every day, see him be completely happy with the way things have turned out, and I feel so miserable inside.
I wanted to hang out tonight, just to get out of the house, and when inviting people, the second time in a row I got the same answer, “I’m probably just going to go home, I can’t spend any money.” Blah blah blah. Of course, I wanted our little group to go bowling like we used to always randomly go do. I wanted to feel normal again. I wanted to make sure I could handle being around him. I just wanted some temporary friends again. But of course I can’t have that. And then I find out he’s going to go play poker at a bar, or someone’s house, or who really cares. Second time in a row. Why do I let it bother me so much? It didn’t bother me so much that they didn’t hang out with me, I could care less about that anymore. It’s just more the, I invite you to go do something, you said you’re going home, and minutes later I find out you’re doing something completely different with everything that I just invited to hang out with. And of course, I’m not included in the picture.
I often find myself asking him what I did to cause him to feel like nothing would ever happen. I never get an answer, when I think about it, because there’s so many things I could come up with that I wouldn’t even know which one to pick. I just wish I was better at this.
I was I knew how to be a friend with someone, anyone. I don’t have friends. I have coworkers, I have three family members that care about me, but I don’t have friends. I don’t have anyone that I can talk to about these problems. I am alone.
You never really can understand how shitty that feels until you experience it yourself. Maybe this is perfect timing? My parents are looking for property outside of Houston. Maybe at this time in my life, I’m not meant to have friends so that I won’t feel so heart broken when I move away from here. Maybe… It’s still pretty shitty, though. It’s going to be a long while before they move and depending on if I stay or go, that’s going to be a long time to be alone…
Oh, should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Now, I just don’t know where to go from here. I’m feeling lower and lower every day. It’s not just because a guy rejected me. Been there, done that. This time, it’s because I really have no one. I have only myself to help me with my emotional control and my thoughts and feelings, and anyone who’s ever known me knows that that’s definitely not a good thing. I’ve found myself contemplating very bad things. I’ve found myself in a hole I can’t climb my way out of. I think I’ve found myself lower than I ever have been before, and I really don’t know what to do about it.
God, how I wish I could just be free. If anyone knew what that word meant to me, they’d probably lock me up and throw away the key.
There’s only so much help I can scream out for… I just don’t know how to anymore.
