The conversation got boring…
So, it really is 5 in the morning. I got home from work at 11pm. I lied in bed for 6 hours without being able to sleep. I drifted off at one point, but then I woke up because my dreams leave me restless… And more often than not, they’ve given me a reason to cry. Though, this particular dream that I had caused me to wake up and think about things… So that is what I’m doing now. I’m thinking. And I wanted to write it out. It had to do with my insecurities and why I am the way I am.
In my dream, I was having a conversation with someone in my life that I know. He’s very talented and very attractive. The type of guy that you could only fantasize to be with because he’s too damn good looking and too damn talented. Despite his great personality, he puts off this ego about him that kind of makes him less attractive to me. But that’s not what matters… What matters is our conversation.
I was telling him, basically, my whole life story…
When I was younger, elementary school younger, I was always bullied. I was called ugly, dumb, fat, gross… Everything a little girl should never hear when she’s growing up… Because it stays with her.
When I got to middle and high school, I went through so many different changes, trying to “discover” myself. At twenty years old, I’m still trying. I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but it sucks seeing other people around me that seemed to have it figured out already.
It’s also difficult to be so secure with myself when during the most emotional years of my life, I had a “best friend” who would always “steal” the guy. She was prettier in the face, but heavier in the waist. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, big boobs, and a straight smile. I had stringy brown hair, no boobs, freckles, and imperfect teeth. I guess it’s not hard to look prettier when you stood next to me… Did a lot for my self-esteem, I’ll tell you that. But she was such a bitch. And I was the nice girl. I never understood why guys would rather put up with her than me… But I guess it’s why girls go for assholes rather than the “nice guy.”
Anyway, that is how I grew up. In my dream, I told the guy mentioned above that I could never be with a guy like him because I would be “that girlfriend” that other girls would look at and say, “Why the hell is he with a girl like her?? He can do way better…” And he asked me why I tried to hook him up with my friend. I told him it’s because she has herself figured out. She’s gorgeous, so talented in so many different ways, and so smart, and I’m not that. All I have going for me is my photography, and it’s not like it’s that hard to start learning… Though it was never my first passion. I’ve always wanted to be an actress. I even have an agent that’s done absolutely nothing for me the past 8 months I’ve had a contract with her… And he has his music. He’s doing what he loves. Most people could only dream of that, but don’t get me wrong, I love photography more than anything (but acting). The look on people’s faces when I create something beautiful for them it’s such a great feeling… But it was never my first choice…
You see, I’ll never be that girl that will always have a man when she wants one. I’ll never be the girl that a guy see’s and thinks, “Damn… I want her all to myself…” Maybe some guys will think that, but not the ones that I go for, so to speak. I don’t have time to settle. I don’t have time to waste. Perhaps I go for the wrong type, I don’t know. I don’t even know myself well enough so how I can I know exactly what I want? It’s all trial and error from here. I just know a lot of “trial” doesn’t come my way…
So where does that leave me? I’ve invested so much emotionally with someone recently. It’s almost been two months, now. He’s been honest with me from the beginning, as far as I can gather, but I feel like there’s so much he’s keeping from me, it makes me wonder if a relationship would even be possible. He’s told about the things he’s dealt with concerning his ex and how that chapter wasn’t closed. It took a toll, but I dealt with it. I was there for him when he needed it. Hell, I’m still here now. It hurt, but I figured if I just live day to day, then it would be easier. I would value our time spent together, and if he decided to get back together with his ex I’d be okay with it, because he told me it could’ve happened from the start. Finally, it got to the point where he said he was done with her. For good. And I believed him. But now.. Now things are different.
I saw him with someone that I know. I see them talk a lot, and I always put it behind me, no need to get jealous right? I mean she’s engaged to be married so what’s the threat? Why should I be jealous of something that I don’t even have claim over? It wasn’t her, though, it was him. It was the body language he had when he was around her, even in public. It was the look on his face when he talked to her. It’s the way he connected with her. And it was the way those actions were never expressed when he was around me…
I finally got around telling him about what was running through my mind. Apparently, he felt bad and didn’t want me to feel that way… But it’s not something I can just let go. And it’s not something I can just force out of him, either. I can’t change the way he feels, and I can’t make him feel any certain way about me.
So I asked him if he felt anything for her. His response: “I don’t know.” He doesn’t know how he feels about her, or about me, or about other things.
To me, feelings like that are pretty black and white. You either know or you don’t. There is no maybe or I don’t know… I don’t understand how people respond that way. I don’t think I ever will…
Now… Now I don’t know where I stand. I don’t know whether it’s worth putting up with, as in putting up with knowing he doesn’t know how he feels about me, or potentially other girls, or if I should just move on. My heart aches, because I want to stick it through and prove the type of girl I could be for him (though it would probably go unnoticed), yet my memories remind me that it probably won’t end up the way I want it to, because it never has. The past always repeats itself. Over and over and over again. Each situation seemingly different, but resulting the same. So what do I do? Should I stay or should I go?
I’m a fly that’s trapped in a web, but I’m thinking that my spider’s dead. Lonely, lonely little life. I could kid myself in thinking that I’m fine…
