Limbless Puppy

Interesting

- November 9 -

I didn’t change a damn thing. Let me reference an old post for a second ( http://rachylmcdowell.tumblr.com/post/1263263496/its-officially-time-for-a-change ) and point out how I didn’t go with the positive at all. I still only seem to talk about the negative; I guess because I feel like the positive isn’t worth discussing. I usually have a lot going on in my head, and by the time I think about it all it’s the end of the day and I’m collecting all the poisoned thoughts… I’m still not sure how to fix that.

But one thing I’d like to mention is how tired I am getting of myself. I repeat the same patterns over and over again. It always seems to tarnish my hopes for something good, too. For example, I not-so-subtly hint that I want to hang out with the person (suggesting things to do, mentioning I want to see him/her) and the topic gets avoided like the plague. I’m sorry, I was under the impression you enjoyed my company and wanted to get to know me better. Hmmm. I guess I misinterpret your meaning. Oh well.

It just bothers me that I can’t let myself be happy only having one close friend in my life. I can’t let myself be okay with the fact that she has been with her boyfriend for three years now, and not once have I been lucky enough to enjoy the company of a boyfriend. Ever. Yup. True story. Pathetic right? Right. (And I’m not talking about the “relationships” that lasted about a week and existed BEFORE I entered high school). I kind of assumed, when I met this new person that has been on my mind recently, that he understood me more than the others have. I’ve been more honest with him. More upfront. I’ve also been more distant with him. Not quite begging for his attention. Not bothering him every second, like I have in the past with others. I have grown so much, I see that now, but I still have so much growing to do. I want to take my time with this, see how things work out, I’m just so impatient sometimes. It’s not fair. I don’t like being this way. I don’t like being needy. I don’t like being obsessive. I don’t like being the one having more feelings than the other person. It’s not fair to either of us. It’s definitely not a fun experience, either. But that’s my life. That’s my personality. It’s hard to change, but I hope I’m improving. We’ll see…