Limbless Puppy

A Journey to the Right State of Mind

- October 17 -

I decided I finally needed a break from my essay. I felt the need for nicotine creeping up on me, but I was out of cigarettes. So I drove to the store, picked up my favorite pack, bought a new cigarette case with pretty blue rhinestones on the front, and sat in the parking lot in my car and contemplated where I was headed next while packing my cigarettes to death. I decided a drive to nowhere was the perfect route for me.

I needed to clear my mind, but instead I thought of everything I wanted to say to him since I have been rejected for the second time to talk to him in person. I turned on the Explosions in the Sky station on Pandora and told myself, “I’m going to keep driving straight until I can’t drive anymore. And only then will I make a right turn.” Funny rule I made, because I ended up in familiar place, not very far from where I started. At least it was consistent.

I dirtied my mouth with cigarette after cigarette, making myself sick to the taste. During my drive to I-don’t-know-where, I passed by several houses and imagined the happy families that lived within them. A husband. A wife. Kids. Pets. I kept thinking, “I wonder if that will ever be me.” Sooner than later, all the right turns led me to a street where I saw a very frail, old couple holding hands and walking together. This nearly brought a tear to my eye because it was very rare that I ever saw this. Again, I wondered if I would ever get that chance. To be at the age where you’re still so in love with your partner that you won’t go anywhere unless their hand is holding yours. I wanted to know their story. I want a story like theirs.

The only thoughts running through my mind after that moment was how old the feeling of being used is getting. How can someone go from wanting to talk to a person every chance they get, asking about their day, wanting to spend their free time with that person to almost not caring, being short in conversation, and avoiding plans with that person and spending their time with other people? Perhaps it’s the jealousy in me, but when he only has one day off I just kind of wish he would want to spend it with me, get to know me, see if anything is worth pursuing. You can’t tell someone you “like” them and hardly speak to them afterward. I just wanted ten minutes of your time. I just wanted to know how you feel, whether or not you want to make this go any further than it has, and how to communicate with you. I want to be the girl that you want to see after a long, hard day at work. Even if you’re dead tired and you’re lying in my lap while I give you a massage and you fall asleep, I’m okay with that. Even if you want me to come over and you watch a movie and help me with my homework. Spending time together is valuable to me. I’d rather stay in and take a nap together, then go to a bar (even though I can’t) or go out to eat or go to a party. I think it’s harder for me because I know it’s supposed to be a slow climb up to that point, but how can you be patient with something you’ve never had but always wanted? Especially when it’s so close to my grasp… I just wanted to talk to you and whether or not I deserve to feel hurt, I do. The longer I put it off, the more I think about it. The more I think about it, the more I will say things I regret. The more I say things like that, the more I push you away. That’s the very last thing I want…. And it’s all I could think about.

Eventually, I lit the final cigarette and held it between my fingers. At one point, I realized while I was deep in thought all the muscles in my body were clenched, my index and middle fingers squeezing the filter of my Marlboro Smooth tightly. I finally relaxed and felt my stomach longing for food. My eyes were growing tired as well, so I decided to head home. After writing this, I feel it won’t be read by the one person I wish would read it, but that’s okay. I feel a little better. Maybe, just maybe, if he reads this and honestly does care he’ll give me a call, but I doubt it. My life never plays out like the movies.

Did you get what you wanted
Did you get what you wanted now
This is all that I’m asking
Cause its the love I’m forgetting now
~RX Bandit