Limbless Puppy

It’s 5 o’clock in the morning…

- January 10 -

The conversation got boring…

So, it really is 5 in the morning. I got home from work at 11pm. I lied in bed for 6 hours without being able to sleep. I drifted off at one point, but then I woke up because my dreams leave me restless… And more often than not, they’ve given me a reason to cry. Though, this particular dream that I had caused me to wake up and think about things… So that is what I’m doing now. I’m thinking. And I wanted to write it out. It had to do with my insecurities and why I am the way I am.

In my dream, I was having a conversation with someone in my life that I know. He’s very talented and very attractive. The type of guy that you could only fantasize to be with because he’s too damn good looking and too damn talented. Despite his great personality, he puts off this ego about him that kind of makes him less attractive to me. But that’s not what matters… What matters is our conversation.

I was telling him, basically, my whole life story…

When I was younger, elementary school younger, I was always bullied. I was called ugly, dumb, fat, gross… Everything a little girl should never hear when she’s growing up… Because it stays with her.

When I got to middle and high school, I went through so many different changes, trying to “discover” myself. At twenty years old, I’m still trying. I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but it sucks seeing other people around me that seemed to have it figured out already.

It’s also difficult to be so secure with myself when during the most emotional years of my life, I had a “best friend” who would always “steal” the guy. She was prettier in the face, but heavier in the waist. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, big boobs, and a straight smile. I had stringy brown hair, no boobs, freckles, and imperfect teeth. I guess it’s not hard to look prettier when you stood next to me… Did a lot for my self-esteem, I’ll tell you that. But she was such a bitch. And I was the nice girl. I never understood why guys would rather put up with her than me… But I guess it’s why girls go for assholes rather than the “nice guy.”

Anyway, that is how I grew up. In my dream, I told the guy mentioned above that I could never be with a guy like him because I would be “that girlfriend” that other girls would look at and say, “Why the hell is he with a girl like her?? He can do way better…” And he asked me why I tried to hook him up with my friend. I told him it’s because she has herself figured out. She’s gorgeous, so talented in so many different ways, and so smart, and I’m not that. All I have going for me is my photography, and it’s not like it’s that hard to start learning… Though it was never my first passion. I’ve always wanted to be an actress. I even have an agent that’s done absolutely nothing for me the past 8 months I’ve had a contract with her… And he has his music. He’s doing what he loves. Most people could only dream of that, but don’t get me wrong, I love photography more than anything (but acting). The look on people’s faces when I create something beautiful for them it’s such a great feeling… But it was never my first choice…

You see, I’ll never be that girl that will always have a man when she wants one. I’ll never be the girl that a guy see’s and thinks, “Damn… I want her all to myself…” Maybe some guys will think that, but not the ones that I go for, so to speak. I don’t have time to settle. I don’t have time to waste. Perhaps I go for the wrong type, I don’t know. I don’t even know myself well enough so how I can I know exactly what I want? It’s all trial and error from here. I just know a lot of “trial” doesn’t come my way…

So where does that leave me? I’ve invested so much emotionally with someone recently. It’s almost been two months, now. He’s been honest with me from the beginning, as far as I can gather, but I feel like there’s so much he’s keeping from me, it makes me wonder if a relationship would even be possible. He’s told about the things he’s dealt with concerning his ex and how that chapter wasn’t closed. It took a toll, but I dealt with it. I was there for him when he needed it. Hell, I’m still here now. It hurt, but I figured if I just live day to day, then it would be easier. I would value our time spent together, and if he decided to get back together with his ex I’d be okay with it, because he told me it could’ve happened from the start. Finally, it got to the point where he said he was done with her. For good. And I believed him. But now.. Now things are different.

I saw him with someone that I know. I see them talk a lot, and I always put it behind me, no need to get jealous right? I mean she’s engaged to be married so what’s the threat? Why should I be jealous of something that I don’t even have claim over? It wasn’t her, though, it was him. It was the body language he had when he was around her, even in public. It was the look on his face when he talked to her. It’s the way he connected with her. And it was the way those actions were never expressed when he was around me…

I finally got around telling him about what was running through my mind. Apparently, he felt bad and didn’t want me to feel that way… But it’s not something I can just let go. And it’s not something I can just force out of him, either. I can’t change the way he feels, and I can’t make him feel any certain way about me.

So I asked him if he felt anything for her. His response: “I don’t know.” He doesn’t know how he feels about her, or about me, or about other things.

To me, feelings like that are pretty black and white. You either know or you don’t. There is no maybe or I don’t know… I don’t understand how people respond that way. I don’t think I ever will…


Now… Now I don’t know where I stand. I don’t know whether it’s worth putting up with, as in putting up with knowing he doesn’t know how he feels about me, or potentially other girls, or if I should just move on. My heart aches, because I want to stick it through and prove the type of girl I could be for him (though it would probably go unnoticed), yet my memories remind me that it probably won’t end up the way I want it to, because it never has. The past always repeats itself. Over and over and over again. Each situation seemingly different, but resulting the same. So what do I do? Should I stay or should I go?

I’m a fly that’s trapped in a web, but I’m thinking that my spider’s dead. Lonely, lonely little life. I could kid myself in thinking that I’m fine…

- October 28 -

Is it wrong for me to wish things secretly go bad and for them to realize what they should’ve in the first place?

But how we move from A to B…

- October 27 -

It can’t be up to me, cause you don’t know who I was before you…

Maybe I’m just a little too strange. A little too out there. It makes me wonder a lot of things. But man, every time I look… It’s like I get a little weaker in the knees.

And then there’s a friend you have that feels the same way. Only, she’s not too strange, she’s not too out there. She’s beautiful. And she dances. I don’t think you can win with a dancer.

Hands down, I’m too proud for love.
But with eyes shut, it’s you I’m thinking of.

And it’s sweet that she pushes me to go for it first. It makes me question, though, whether she knows better. Maybe she knows I have no luck, and she’s being modest. Or she doesn’t want to seem like that kind of person that just takes over. I feel like I’m being that person, and that’s not fair.

I hope they never find out, what they already know.
As soon as it’s official, [I’ll] have to let it go.



So I just want to step back. Just stop caring. I’m sure it’ll be just like quitting smoking. It was hard the first day, even so the second day, but afterward I felt so great.


Though, today is still going to be a horrible day, I think. It’s only 12pm and I woke up in a shitty mood. It will either get better, or it will get much much shittier. It probably won’t get better..

Reasons:

1. My best friend works all day and doesn’t get home until I have to go to rehearsal.
2. My other friend also works all day and I won’t get to see her until AFTER rehearsal.
3. I’m stuck home all day because frankly, I don’t have a lot of friends.
4. I also don’t have a penny to my name.
5. I just can’t stop thinking about the current situation I’m in.
   (You’d think I’d be used to this by now. This really does happen so much to me… And people wonder why I have a low self esteem on the regular. Hahah)

People should know the ego I front is actually fake as fuck.





I love tumblr. This way I can just get my feelings out, get over them, and not worry anymore. Hopefully, it still works that way.

But you’re on my mind, my mind, my mind.
But maybe in time, in time, in time, I’ll tell you…
I’m a little bit, a little bit, a little in love with you….
But only if you’re a little bit, a little bit, a little bit in love with me….
~Lykke Li feat. Drake

I’m over it.

- October 22 -

This is for my honors computer class

- September 21 -

So, just ignore this because I know it will be posted to my facebook and it isn’t relevant to those who are reading this via facebook status update.

Being a college student - yippee!


Being a college student is a lot better than high school, I’ll say that much. There are a lot more freedoms, clearly, and there are people here that actually WANT to learn, so it makes the classroom a little easier to deal with. It fascinates me the difference it makes when people go to public school and when people actually PAY to go to school. Ridiculous.

But anyway, my future goals are to graduate in December with my Associate of Science and then graduate again in May with my Associate of Arts. Afterward, I will take it easy, figure out what I want to do, maybe go back to school and get my Bachelors in Photography, get my teaching degree so I can teach Special Ed, just jump right in and set up my own photography studio… Who’s to say really? I just want to take things day by day.

Ps. Listen to “First Breath After Coma” by Explosions in the Sky. It makes me happy. :)

You’ve got a friend in me

- September 20 -

You’ve got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you’re miles and miles from your nice warm bed
Just remember what your old pal said
You’ve got a friend in me
~Toy Story

So, I went to my old high school to hang out with the Special Ed class that I used to help teach and aide for. It’s incredible the amount of happiness I get from these kids when they get so excited that I came by for a surprise visit. A few kids in particular:

Korey - He was my special buddy when I was chapter president for Best Buddies Club. We had a very strong bond during my senior year while I was working with all of them. Now, when I go back to visit he gets incredibly excited and it makes me so happy inside that I’ve had such a strong impression on someone.

Reangelo - This kid right here… He is something else. He gave me a hug today and said I smelled really good. I told him it’s because I took a shower this morning. When we got to Robin’s room (his teacher) he told her that he gave me a hug and that I smelled good because I showered. I guess you had to be there, but it was awesome. Not to mention that EVERYONE he sees that he knows he tells him that I’m his friend and that he has my number. Speaking of, he just called me about five minutes ago just to tell me he was walking home and to tell me about how he’s getting a letter jacket (which he already did several times during my visit to the school).

Nick - Man, nothing makes me as giggly as seeing Nick’s smiling face. One of the peer buddies said something which made me feel very special. She said, “Wow. I’ve never seen him so happy before.” I’m going to take credit and say it’s because I was there. :) I used to work with him and help Mrs. Linda feed him and walk him down to lunch. He doesn’t speak, so when he gets really happy and waves his arms and smiles incredibly large and laughs. It’s so adorable. He definitely has a special place in my heart.


Not that the rest don’t, they most definitely do. When I visit last Friday, Mrs. Jamii said something that kind of stuck. She said that I have such a passion for these kids, which I find very true. She also said no one else can take my place, which made me feel very special. It was a high school hobby that I never thought I’d get into, but I did. I was the very first peer buddy and the very first chapter president for that school. Working with them for two years and having such an impact on them is such an incredible feeling, nothing else could even come close to comparison. It’s because of them I feel I might actually make a career out of it.

Also, the friends I’ve made with Robin, Jamii, and Mrs. Linda. They are all such incredible people, as well as some others that work there, but those three have made such an impact on MY life that I will never forget. I truly love them like they were my second mothers (and sister in Robin’s case). Women I’ve known for such a short time, but can confide in and always be given the perfect advice.

“To the world you may be somebody, but to somebody you may be the world.”


This bond between us can’t be broken
I will be here, don’t you cry
Cause you’ll be in my heart
Yes, you’ll be in my heart
From this day on, now and forevermore
~Phil Collins (Tarzan)

I’m glad we’re not friends anymore. You’re a shitty friend.

- September 19 -

This applies to many people.

(Source: blogsecret)

Feel like a cripple without a cane…

- September 18 -

I’m a jack of all trades, but a master of none.

I’ve come to the conclusion that having a crush/love interest is pointless. What’s the use of unrequited feelings? It just leads to more burdens and heartache.

I guess, due to the recent events that have happened in my life, my life has changed for the better. There’s a silver lining to everything. Is it human nature to compare yourself to others in regards to what they wear, how skinny they are, what they look like, the friends they have, etc? I need to break that habit.

I think when I’m twenty-one, things will be different. I think things will change again. Life is just full of changes. It’s actually kind of annoying.

I wish I could have a fresh start already. Figure out what I really want to put my mind to: acting, photography, a regular 9-5 job…

I’m thinking of making short films if I could find people serious enough to help me with it, and opening up my own photography studio. Everyone always tells me I really need to pursue my photography. I’ve let it go this past year, due to college, so maybe after I graduate I can bring it back. Portraits and band promos, advertising… Where ever the wind might take me… We shall see.

I just wish I could get my priorities in check already.

But this is not a cry for pitty or for sympathy
I guess I take after my mother…

Jonathan…

This boy right here…. I miss him. He has gotten me back into tumblr. Yay!


I miss this kid. :( I saw him last night, in fact, and he’s already back to Austin where all the cool kids are. If I could pack up and move away to Austin right now, I most definitely would. And then have lots and lots of fun with him and his buddies, because I sincerely believe they would all take me in with open arms. Why? Because I’m AWESOME!

You know, I really do say that a lot. I think quite highly of myself sometimes. I guess I’m not really that awesome. I just sit around and play video games all day because I don’t really have any friends except one super bff named Greg. But sometimes, it is nice to see other faces. Like last night when I hung out with JonJon and Leahbby. :) Good times.



I guess I’ll start recording my life on here more often. Apparently, a bunch of people I do not know started following me and I have no idea why… But that’s cool.

So if you see this, will you answer this question for me, even if I have never met you before? Tell me why you’re following me. :)

Who are you and how might I know you?

Grab some body sexy, tell em…

- July 19 -

HEY!

Basically, I feel like ranting right now. Woke up on the wrong side of the bed, got even more grumpy with other things, remembered a really weird dream I had prior to waking up, realized it was raining, was running late for school, and didn’t have enough time to fully study for my stupid govt vocab quiz. Speaking of which, I have to sit in this damn class for over 2 hours. Awesome.

While I try not to fall asleep, I’ve decided that I wanted to make a list of everything that annoys the fuck out of me.

Here goes:

(In no particular order)

1. When people ignore me

2. When girls that are clearly of drinking age still dress like they’re 13. (Really? Glittery hair bows and Laura Frank back packs?? Grow up.)

3. Men who wear flipflops

4. People who can’t pronounce things properly

5. When older men try to make small talk, clearly have no teeth in their mouth, and they make no god damn sense

6. When I’m called “Little girl” or “kiddo”

7. When I ask questions in class because I really don’t understand what’s going on, and the bitch in front of me “sighs” really loudly because she just wants to get the fuck out of there. SORRY I VALUE MY EDUCATION!

8. When girls have better style than me (not that I have any, anyway…)

9. When I wake up and realize I only have 2 cigarettes left and I have no money to buy more

10. When it’s raining when I don’t want it to

11. Having to wake up at 9 in the morning for stupid summer school

12. Not having a summer

13. When guys tell you they used to have a thing for you, give you their number, and then don’t bother to respond, yet drunk text you and ask you to come lay with him at 3 in the morning

14. Guys who use girls

15. Guys who don’t respect girls

16. Girls who don’t respect guys

17. The way really gangster people talk

18. When I’m not trying to be argumentative, but I feel like I’m being misunderstood so I further explain myself, which then leads to an argument

19. The ability to have emotions

20. Grading other people’s quizzes

21. Really, loud, obnoxious drunk people when I’m trying to chill with my friends and play pool at Barney’s

22. Guys who don’t understand the concept of “NO”

23. When my friends are mad at me

24. Stuck up bitches

25. Stuck up bros

26. The fact that this one guy is a total dick to me as soon as he meets me and I have no idea why, cause I’m awesome

27. When people don’t realize my awesomeness

28. Cockroaches

29. When people mess around with me, over and over and over again, and they know I want them to stop

30. When I don’t have any food that I want to eat

31. The fact that the projector creates a yellow cast on the screen while I’m trying to read shit on the board during class

32. Thinking that I won’t ever get to meet my favorite friend Kirby

33. That I’ve been with an agency for a month now and not submitted for shit as far as I know

34. Not having more things to write on this list because I got tired of making it.

- July 18 -

Why can’t life be like the movies?

- July 6 -

I feel a little sad inside. I wish I could just talk to a certain somebody and explain why things happened the way they did…

I want my acting career to take off already. It’s going slow. At least I have my resume put together. If it’s my destiny, it will happen when I’m good and ready. I just feel like I’m ready now.

As for my heart:

It’s telling me I want to just live life. Free from boundaries, free from anyone telling me what to do, how to act, what to feel, who to feel for. I don’t like feeling guilty if I’m with someone and I see another man.

I’m way too picky though.

It’s time to go geocaching. I’ll catch up on this when I get back….

Tumblr isn’t what I thought it used to be anymore…

- July 5 -

It seems like it’s all about the quirky, out there, “I have something deep to say about life with text on a picture,” type of posts and reblogging it these days.

Well, I don’t give a fuck. I haven’t been on here in over a year, and that has a lot to say about me. I’ve grown up. I’ve changed. Though, I still like to vent on here.

Which brings me to my next point:

A lot of people lately have been saying that I’m very defensive. I don’t understand how just stating my opinion and CLARIFYING myself can make me seem defensive. Okay, so I don’t completely agree with what you have to say about me or my actions and I have something to say about it, and that makes me a defensive person? Sure. I guess our definitions of “defensive” are different. (That seemed like a lot of “d’s” in one sentence.)

I guess I just feel really misunderstood. It has a lot to do with my confidence level and how self-conscious I am of myself. I always feel like I have to justify myself to everyone that has something to say. I need to clarify my feelings so they don’t get misinterpreted. When people talk, they always pad the story, and I want to make sure that whatever has to do with me is from me DIRECTLY and that my feelings are known. Perhaps that turns the situation really serious, but I don’t seem to mind. Only other people do.

I also wish that instead of me always being told that I need to chill out or brush it off other people should to. It should be a compromise. Why should I have to change the way I’ve always been? I’m very sensitive, especially when it comes to the people closest to me. I’m very opinionated, I feel like I have to be the one to know something and if I don’t then I give suggestions on how to find the answer. I don’t know what it stems from, but that’s the way I’ve always been. I’m incredibly open and I’m not afraid to show my true colors to people. Why should I make them have to EARN it? If they don’t like the way I am when they first meet me, then they have no business being in my life. The people that are in my life who KNOW how I am, should understand that it’s just the way I am. I should’ve have to change just to make everyone else happy.

I’m okay with only having two close friends, or even none. I can find ways to fill my time. I don’t want to lose the people I’m closest with, though. Right now, I know I need them. But if we keep butting heads on certain levels of communication, then there’s a problem in my eyes. If only there was a way to compromise and just talk things out. Handle every little dark corner there is to our personalities so we can REALLY understand each other. If only that could actually happen.

I’m just really frustrated right now, I guess. I’m not used to being completely alone yet. I just want to strip myself down and let everything go for just a brief period of my time and hope the world will stop spinning during that. If only, if only.